


Brutal hearts

by heydaddy



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Conflicting Feelings, M/M, Minor Violence, The other Avengers are only mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-27
Updated: 2016-05-27
Packaged: 2018-07-10 14:47:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6989806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heydaddy/pseuds/heydaddy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky remembers and has conflicting feelings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Brutal hearts

**Author's Note:**

> If you find any grammatical errors, I would really appreciate it, if you told me about them. Hope ya'll enjoy the fic! Wrote it late at night.

He hated Steve.

No, hate, couldn’t describe how much he loathed Steve, or Captain America. The hero. The wonderful, kind and amazing saviour of the world. No one had ever seen someone who was as kind as him. The invention of the 21th century, the internet, had called him a gift to the world.  
Disgusting.

Steve was weak. Or had been. Bucky had been the strong one, the independent one, the one who Steve would call out after if he needed help. Now Steve wouldn’t even depend on him. Oh, how wonderful it would be if he could just place a bullet between his eyes.

Why did he have to fall? He had never in his entire life done anything to deserve this, meanwhile Steve, Steve had been too weak to do anything. Wasn’t that one of the deadly sins, wasn’t that supposed to mean something? Why didn’t Steve jump after him? Even though he didn’t know Buckys body was amplified, he could’ve jumped down too. He probably would have been able to survive, and at least he could’ve carried Buckys dead body back to camp. But no. Steve had abandoned him.

The one thing that had given him hope in the beginning was Steve. He loved Steve. Wrong. He used to love Steve. Now there were only bitterness, pain, the want to end it all.  
The longer he had been in HYDRAs grip, the more he had come to realize. And that was that Steve was evil. Especially by letting Bucky believe he had died. He was supposed to survive, be strong, save Bucky, since he was Captain America. Since he was Steve Rogers. It was all his fault.  
Bucky should just have died while he was strapped to the experiment table. 

When they met once again, Bucky didn’t remember him. Steve was just his mission, but there was something, something he remembered. Those bright eyes, staring at him like a kicked puppy, demanding something from him, recognition, friendship, end of war. It made him want to puke.

It was painful when the memories came back.  
Steves smile was the worst one. Not the tears, no, even though Bucky had wanted to kiss them away when Steve was sick before, it wasn’t the memories of them that hurt the most. It was the knowledge that behind every smile, every fond memory, Steve had lied. Steve was a liar. A monster, an inhuman brute, who wished for nothing but to torture Bucky.

That was why he tried choking Steve in his sleep, when they were living at the Stark tower. 

Some days went where the bitterness was gone, and he felt like it was the old days. Those were the best days, because they would joke, eat food, which had been so expensive before. Then he’d remember.

He suspected that Steve was aware of his hatred, because he would look sad. Sad whenever Bucky screamed at him. Once he heard Sam, codename Falcon, tell cap that he was getting better. That the anger was just a part of it. It made him throw a vase after Sams head, and try to stab Steve. Of course Steve managed to put him down, without hurting him too much.  
The other avengers would also speak, behind Buckys back of course. He didn’t hear it, but he could see how their eyes averted from his, how the whispers were almost written in the air. The fact that they all thought he was the villain, meanwhile Steve was the hero drove him mad.

Bucky hadn’t tried to kill Steve for a few weeks, when Steve kissed him. It was chaste, soft. All he had desired before. But not now, because he was on a mission, a mission to kill, he had to report, it had taken way too much time, where was the closest weapon, paralyze opponent, use chance to attack, attack in order to kill, lethal.  
He failed.

Every time Steve appeared out of his bedroom in the day with red eyes, and the clear signs of having cried, Bucky felt victory. His voice would be mocking, saying the worst of things, and then they would fight. Tony Stark, codename Ironman, had complained about the mess they made. It was a wonder that Steve hadn’t told Nick Fury about all the assassination attempts. 

Of course he couldn’t help getting softer. Steve was the sun, and Bucky the moon, they were meant for each other. But just as the sun and moon almost never meets, Bucky and Steve could never be with each other without a fight. Whenever Bucky gave him kisses, he suddenly turned violent and tried to kill the blonde. When Steve gave him kisses, he turned violent. Only a few times, Bucky didn’t act as a wild animal. These times, were hurried with the fear of Bucky returning to his murderous self, so they couldn’t spare the time to give each other small kisses with deep meanings.

Just as anger was a normal part of their day, so was tears. It wasn’t just Steve who cried, Bucky would cry when he was trying to hit Steve. Sometimes he had to stop fighting, because he was bawling too much. They usually watched movies afterwards.

Time went slow, and they tried, they really tried, but Bucky knew it could never be. Because Steve had disappointed his impossible demands. Bucky knew he was unfair, but nonetheless he couldn’t help it. The memories of cold stone floors against his skin, the memories of pain, the memories of not having Steve there was too strong.

No matter how many times Bucky told Steve to give up on him, Cap wouldn’t give up. He would hug Bucky and stare right into his eyes. The first time, he had told him that he couldn’t give up on Bucky, cause he never had. It ended up with Bucky breaking his arm. 

Because he knew the truth and it made him angry. For the one true fact, was that Steve never gave up on him and never would. His brain tried to tell him this, but it felt as if his entire body, every pore, was made to kill Steve. Remorse and self-loathing replaced the feelings of hate sometimes, and he would try to be a better person for Steve.  
It would work out well for maybe a few hours, then it all would break down and he would be at the bottom once again. But every time, Steve would lend him his hand in order to get up and shine bright as the stars in the night sky. 

When they both were feeling calm and not wanting to speak much, they would climb to the top of the tower at night. There they would sit, in silence, staring at the big vast darkness. No harsh feelings would threaten the calm, and they would just be two boys from Brooklyn, who had lost their entire lifetime because of war. After hours of hearing the wind soaring through the sky and feeling the hint of cold, they would make their way down.

It only happened once, when they were standing in living room after spending an evening on the roof, that their touches were slow and deliberate. Bucky felt as if they were a fire, burning strong, and never going to die out. When their desperate touches turned into tenderness, and pure love, they laid in bed staring at each other, before falling asleep. Somehow Bucky figured out that his body was made to fit Steves, because when they lied close to each other, feeling the heartbeat of each other, nothing had ever felt more right. 

It wasn’t something they tried to hide from each other, the fact that their lives had been destroyed, and all they had left was the other. They both wished that the other would feel the same as them, love with love, hate with hate, since then they wouldn’t have had to try to fit together two pieces that didn’t match. 

Even though most of their interactions was fights, Bucky wouldn’t trade it away for anything. Because for the first time in his life, he held Steve in his arms.


End file.
